July 18, 2011

Right Where I Am Project: 141,471 Words Later



This piece is dedicated to the 160 babyloss parents who took part in Angie's epic Right Where I Am project (as of July 18) and to all of our babies that were lost. It is also dedicated to the thousands of faceless parents around the world that lose babies every year (some 30,000 in America alone). I originally joined the project because I wanted to soak up as much as I could from everyone who has gone before us. And as I feel Margot slipping away from me as the days without her trudge on, I felt like this was a way for me to be close to her and to honor her death. So, I read and read and read, all the way up to last night, when I read and filed away the 160th post in the project.

I just want to say a huge thank-you to all of the babyloss parents who participated. Words cannot describe the gratitude I feel for each one of you, whether you are years out from your loss or just a few weeks or months. Each and every post, whether heart breaking or hopeful or a blend of the two, was so meaningful and raw and beautiful in it's own right. There is solace in this beautiful mess of a community we have formed since all of our losses. I titled this piece Right Where We Are because in some strange and mysterious way, no matter how many miles separate us, we are in this TOGETHER. There is strength in numbers and I pull from your strength every day.

Cold is the water
It freezes your already cold mind
Already cold, cold mind
And death is at your doorstep
And it will steal your innocence
But it will not steal your substance

But you are not alone in this
And you are not alone in this
As brothers we will stand and we'll hold your hand
Hold your hand

- Mumford and Sons. "Timshel." Sigh No More.



If you're interested in having this file for yourselves, please leave a comment below with your email so I can send you the file (it's really large and downloading it from here won't allow you to print it full size).

A few notes on the project:

- Basically, I took one word or a few words or a sentence from every single post and added to the piece. Each line and color represents a new post, starting with the first post and ending with Angie's. I read every post at least twice and looked for a theme within that post. Whether it was sad or hopeful or depressing or content, I tried to honor that person's post with what I chose to include in the document.

- On a deeper level, to begin with, I also put all of the collective posts together in one document and then read through the document as a whole piece to see if I could find lots of repeated ideas that were communicated. For example, how we will all miss our babies forever or how hard it was for so many people to deal with friends or how anxiety filled the subsequent pregnancy was...stuff like that. And then I tried to include this kind of thing as well from different posts that were written for the project.

- Special love goes out to Sally (Hopes Mama) and Jill (Only A Whisper) - they commented on almost every single post in the entire project. I felt their presence as I read and copied and pasted for hours on end.

- All in all, there were approximately 141,471 words written or 239 pages in my word document. This doesn't include a few BLM's that had private blogs that I couldn't access.

- I went over and over through this piece to make sure I didn't leave out any baby names. I hope I got them all, and I'm fairly certain I did (excluding those who have private blogs that I couldn't access). But if I missed one, please let me know and I can add their name in.

- The original document itself is 4800 X 6000 pixels and 300 DPI, so it prints really clearly at 16 X 20 inches.

94 comments:

JoyAndSorrow said...

Oh my. I don't even know what to say. This is beyond amazing. I would absolutely love a copy of this. lindsay.scripp@gmail.com
Thank you so much for honoring your precious girl and Angie's project by putting together a project of your own. This is truly inspiring. I am speechless, and the tears are pouring.

Mary said...

I would love a copy! Thank you for doing this. What a way to honor your sweet little one. My email is mickiec21@gmail.com

Anonymous said...

How awesome Josh !! I have read most of the Where I am at now stories, in an attempt to be able to walk along side your family as well as other that have lost a child.

I do understand though how one feels so connected with others on the same/similar journey through the internet. I have a chronic, terminal illness and if it was not for my internet friends (who sometime seem more like family) who are on the same/similar journey with me. I don't know how I would continue on.

Also, reading your post and others has given me insight into what my own parents must be feeling about my situation.

still life angie said...

Beautiful. I just think this project is amazingly beautiful and powerful. So, thank you.

Rachel said...

Wow. What a very powerful idea you had. I would love a copy. rcalmeida.28@gmail.com

Thanks for doing this.

Norma said...

Josh, I anticipate each new post on your website. I think of you, Kari, Stella and Margo daily and would love to receive a copy of this project. My e-mail: smyth.norma@hotmail.com
Love and prayers

Anonymous said...

Please, I,too, would like a copy. This is beautiful, as are the original posts. Thank you for this!

jillbrockus@yahoo.com

Catherine W said...

Amazing. I loved being a part of this project and reading the posts. I'm still reading them now, trailing far behind Jill and Sally!

A beautiful way to honor Margot.

Hope's Mama said...

I'm in awe. What a kind and beautiful thing to do. I'd love a copy. Email should be on my profile.
Thank you so much, Josh. So generous given you're so new to this awful club.
xo

Missy said...

This is so amazing Josh! Wow, what a beautiful thing you have created. Your love for Margot shines! I would love a copy ms_missy007(at)yahoo(dot)com

Gwen said...

Josh, what a beautiful gift you have given to others with whom you share the common bond of babyloss. What a gift to yourself. I couldn't help but think of the solace you received as you read through the many faces of grief. And, what a beautiful honor to our sweet Margot June. Hugs to all of you from the other side of the world. Much love.

Anonymous said...

This literally took my breath away. Your daughters heart and spirit live on and move people daily.

Mary Beth said...

So amazing. What a gorgeous compilation and tribute. I'd love a copy, too--my email is on the blog, if you don't mind fetching it :) Thanks for this.

LauraJane said...

My heart raced as I searched for the words from my post, and then, when I realized it was there, Jack's name. Thank you for doing this. I too would love a copy: laura.mccannell@gmail.com.
xox

My New Normal said...

Wow is all I can say. Thank you so much for putting this together in such a powerful and wonderful way. I would also love a copy. findmynewnormal@gmail.com.

Thanks again.

Sara said...

I would love this. Thank you for taking the time to collate all the stories.

my email is moon_babe@yahoo.com

lifepoststillbirth.blogspot.com

Elaine said...

that is so beautiful. I would love a copy

lilyorange2@yahoo.ca

thank you so much for doing it

erica said...

This is breathtaking. I love the way it links us and our words all together in one image, and I'm so grateful to you for reading all of these posts and pulling from them with such thoughtfulness and love.

I'd greatly appreciate a copy of the file - erica.ilostaworld(at)gmail.com

Natasha said...

This is simply beautiful! I love what you've done for all the families. I would love a copy- aidensmom112@gmail.com

Angela said...

My goodness, at a loss for words here. This is beautiful, a wonderful thing you have done in memory of your Margot.

I would love a copy: rodman.angela@gmail.com

Brooke said...

Eh-mazing. Thank you for doing this. Please send me a copy - bythebrooke (at) gmail (dot) com

Darcey said...

This is such a wonderful thing you have done...thank you very much for including my Logan.

I would love to have a copy of it: drasch10@yahoo.com

Leanne said...

AMAZING!
leannehoovler@hotmail.com

Leanne said...

AMAZING!
leannehoovler@hotmail.com

Julie said...

Yes, please send to me. Just beautiful. Thank you. Juliemk@goeaston.net

Laura said...

What a wonderful way to honour your Margot and all of our babies.
And I commend you for having made it through all of them...I am just a little over halfway through them all.
I would love a copy of this. laur_lee81@yahoo.com

LizardBits said...

It looks amazing. I would love a copy to read and print. Thank you!
survivingmyloss@gmail.com

Melissa said...

I can't believe you took the time to do this. You are amazing. I cried when I saw Hadley's name and as I was reading through the excerpts I found mine instantly. Thank you so much for this!! I would love a copy!! My email is melissabufe@hotmail.com

Shaina Gadow said...

Breathtaking. I would absolutely love a copy. It is so powerful having all our thoughts together in one beautiful piece. My email is Shainak99@yahoo.com

Angie said...

This is so beautiful, it took my breath away. I'm so terribly sorry to read about Margot June, she was such a beautiful baby girl. Thank you for putting these words together. xo

Jen said...

Wow, bless you...I am so touched by your thoughtfulness. I would love a copy of the file.
jenchic31@msn.com

Thanks again.

Jen

Anonymous said...

Absolutely breathtaking. You are amazing & have touched so many lives just by sharing your family's story. What a beautiful way to honor baby Margot. Words are so powerful & I love that there is so much support for families who have lost babies...my sister (who had a stillborn one month ago) has found a lot of comfort from many blogs out there; yours included. Love & Many Blessings,
Kari

Molly said...

A-mazing! Thank you for doing this! Would love a copy of the jpg... molly.ebach@gmail.com

Josh said...

Thanks for the kind words everyone. I'm glad that so many of you who participated are finding this post so that I can send the file off to those who are interested. I just sent an email to all of those who left addresses before this comment. I'll keep sending the file if more comments come in. Thanks again for participating.

Josh

Ausmerican Housewife said...

I think I found a quote from one of my posts! :D

I'd love a copy! kshopdavies07@hotmail.com

<3 Julia and Evan <3

crystal theresa said...

amazing, powerful, beautiful. thank you so much for doing this. for honoring all of our babies. i would love a copy: crystal@louielovescrsytal.com.

katiekoo said...

rOh wow, that Mumford & Sons song has always brought a tear to my eye. I've only listened to it once since Joseph died because it's just too much (as are alot of the songs from that album).
I would love a copy of what you've done. What an incredible thing that you've undertaken for this community. The hours that you've put in! just phenomenal. Thankyou so much for doing this and for commenting on my blog (I think I was number 160 - so just made it here!). I think you're amazing. I say Margot's name out loud for her and for you and K. x

katiekoo said...

Sorry, I forgot my email. It's katieanddwayne@optusnet.com.au
Take your time with that though!
Again, just incredible. Thankyou!

Becky said...

This is so awesome! I would love to have a copy if you could email it to me- beckynelson81@hotmail.com
Thanks

Jeanette said...

This whole project has gone so much further and reached out to so many, I'm stll trying to catch up with all the posts.
I'd love a copy of this, thank you so much, and love to your family.
jeanette.archer@gmail.com x

Tess said...

Josh, what a wonderful way to honour your precious Margot Jane and all our words, and what a mammoth labour of love - such a powerful project, just the same as Angie's is. I still have so many posts to catch up with - thank you for the spur on.

I'd love a copy thank you Josh
tessielou(at)gmail.com

Curls O Fred said...

Absolutely amazing. Thank you for your time in making this beautiful piece. I would be interested in a copy too: regierdesign(at)gmail.

chancingthedance said...

Wow. This is wonderful. Thank you for including me and Lewis. I would love to have a copy of this. sassafraslmw@gmail.com

tara said...

Josh,
I would love a copy to put in my office. I would be happy to pay a fee if need be!
Tara(Brooke's sister)

fireworksandrainbows said...

I am not sure why this has left me in such an emotional tailspin. Why are there so many words? Why are there so many greiving parents.

Time after time, I just keep coming back to that first raw and primitive emotion from when Xavier first died. WHY? Why him, why us (Why you or them for that matter...). It feels so juvenile.

Thank you for doing this. I would love a copy. Email is in my profile.

Searching for Serenity said...

This is such a beautiful and selfless thing you've created for this community. I will think of your Margot and my Xander every time I look at it.

Reading through the words I felt a wave of sorrow, but also comfort in the community of parents who are in this with us. I need to remember all of you out there.

I would be honored to have a copy.

seeksserenity (at) gmail (dot) com

Fireflyforever said...

What a wonderful, wonderful response to all the posts. I've just read the last three that went up since I last checked Angie's list. Each one touched me deeply and profoundly - whether it was recognition of an emotion I had felt too or compassion for someone experiencing grief differently and your response is just breathtaking.

I'd love a copy: jillou23@hotmail.co.uk

Virginia said...

This is beyond amazing....and I would love a copy. How wonderful of you to do this for ALL of us.

My email is: virginiawilliams@yahoo.com.

Thank you from Ben's mom.

Barbara said...

Oh that's wonderful.

I too would love a copy when you have a chance.

barouche(at)gmail(dot)com

Jordan said...

You have done something really amazing and as someone else said, to do this at the beginning of your journey is incredibly generous.

jordanrules7@hotmail.com

I also want to let you know that I am going to put a link in a future post to your blog. I think others should see what you have done. Incredible.

Anonymous said...

Hi Josh, I would love to have you email me your "Right Where I Am Project." I have read all of your blogs and so enjoy watching you grow on your journey. I look forward to this work of art that will no doubt minister to every parent whose child you mentioned and to the rest of us who care about all of you!

mickitalcott@hotmail.com

Merry said...

This is amazing - and my line is the one bit I would have chosen too. Thank you. I'd love a copy - mostmerrilyme at gmail dot com

xxx

Sarah said...

Absolutely AMAZING! I would love a copy to hang in my home.

secasale@gmail.com

Deanna said...

this took my breath away. what an amazing thing to do. I would love a copy as well deanna@riversrally.org

This is such a beautiful thing to do in your little one's memory. I really am in tears that all of our stories could help someone else.

THANK YOU, for doing this for us.

J. said...

Just beautiful...wow...Josh, it's so powerful. Just reading all those words together like that. I'm in awe of all the strength, honesty, and love.

Thank you for doing this!

Lisa said...

I'm so sorry for the passing of your precious baby girl, Margot. I've read Margot's story and my heart goes out to you, Kari, and Stella.
Thank you for creating this beautiful work of art. I was unable to read every post from the Right Where I Am Project. I find it incredible that you were able to read each post at least twice. I wish I had your strength.
Your creation is a wonderful tribute to your daughter, Margot. It amazes me how a baby so small can touch so many lives and inspire us to make great contributions. I'm reminded of the quote, "There is no foot too small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world."
I would absolutely love a copy. And thank you for sharing Right Where We Are. lisacarmel73@gmail.com

Josh said...

I just emailed the piece to everyone who left their email addresses since the last time I left a comment (starting with Ausmerican Housewife and ending with Lisa). If you didn't receive it, please check your junk mail or shoot me an email: joshjackson.la AT gmail DOT com

Thanks again for participating. We are hoping that everyone who took part in the project has a chance to have the piece if they want. Between Angie's post and this post and others who have linked in, I hope we can get to everyone.

Josh

loribeth said...

This is amazing, Josh. I would love to have a copy. E-mail is lori(dot)bianco(at)sympatico(dot)ca

Sherri said...

So beautiful! I can't come up with the right words to tell you how absolutely amazing and powerful this is! I would love a copy if I could!!

justaweebitcrazy@hotmail.com

radarofchance said...

Josh,

What an amazing, beautiful, thoughtful, precious gift this is. I love it.

Thank you for the time and care you have put into it.

Kathryn said...

Beautiful. Just beautiful. I am overwhelmed by the words and that so many have been touched by baby loss. A great tribute to our little ones.

anunholymessofagirl@gmail.com

Christine said...

I have no words. this is so beautiful. I too would love a copy. Thank you so very much for the time and love you put into this.
My email is junerainbow@iowatelecom.net

Dr. Joanne Cacciatore said...

Jack- amazing. You have reached through time and space and touched so many. Angie is right... this is so powerful. Thank you.

Panque said...

No words other than thanks and I would love a copy to.
burgueno@gmail.com

Mom said...

Thank you for reading our words and giving them an even stronger voice. I would love a copy as well kdharms (at) yahoo (dot) com

Heather said...

So special! Thanks! I'd love a copy heatheranderson4@yahoo.com

Nika M. said...

You are so amazing! I couldn't bring myself to participate in that one, but I'd still love to have a copy of it. nika.michaels@yahoo.com

Josh Jackson said...

I just sent out another email to everyone from Lori Beth to Nika. I'll keep checking the comments to see if anyone else wants on. Thanks again for the participation.

sarah said...

Josh, this is tremendous. Thank you for your hard work. I'd love a copy: otisamongus@gmail.com

really, so beautiful.

Anonymous said...

I came across you and Kari's story while on Facebook one day. A friend of mine is also a friend of yours, Jenny Liggett. However, it caught my eye because I went to IWU with you. I would love to have a copy to use with my grief support groups. As a bereavement counselor I have the privledge to accompany many families on their grief journeys.

Thanks, Monica (Hall) White
monica.white@hospicecom.com

Anonymous said...

Beautiful. Moving. Sorrowful. Hopeful.

Mandy said...

Absolutely awesome! I can't believe you read everyone's post. I have about half to go still. The whole project is awe-inspiring and your tribute to Margot and all the other babies and their parents is beautiful.

I'd love a copy emailed to me at
amanda (at) thestampers (dot) com.

Thanks Josh...not only for this, but for also offering up the male perspective in what is typically a female dominated world here on-line in babyloss-land.

Samantha K said...

This is absolutely amazing. I would love a copy. samanthajfields@gmail.com
Thank you for being you.

Jennifer said...

I love love a copy as well...
jenfunken97@yahoo.com
Thank you!

Matushka Anna said...

I'm so blown away. That you would do this. My hands are literally shaking as I try to type.

Thank you. From the bottom of my heart.

-Matushka Anna, Innocent's mommy

annacrawford@cableone.net

2andcounting said...

I would love a copy of this, so I can read through.

kaylaschisler@gmail.com

Thank you for taking the time to put this together.

Anonymous said...

I would love a copy of this. Please send it to candacekluba@yahoo.com

Thanks a bunch! I can already tell you have done an amazing thing and I know exactly what you mean when you say you just want to honor your babies short life. I feel the same way!

JourneyWell said...

I must admit, I've been lurking around your blog for some time. My sister lost a baby boy just over a year ago and the pain is incredible for all of us, but God continues to be gracious in the midst providing glimpses of joy in the looming sorrow. nicki.cavender@gmail.com

Jenn said...

Wow amazing! I partcipated in this & see my son's name listed. Thank you for honoring our children's lives!
I'd love a copy please. faithjoyhope@ymail.com

Maria said...

I would really like to thank you!!!! I think you picked the perfect sentance from my message to express what grief is for me.

Thank you .... even if you don't know it... you helped me SO much.

I would love a copy mariamiceli75@hotmail.com

Josh Jackson said...

I just sent another email out to everyone that has responded since the last time (from Sarah to Maria). Thanks for participating!

TracyOC said...

Josh,

Stumbling in way late to thank you for distilling this entire experience so perfectly. I'm honored to be a part of it and so touched to see my R listed in there with the other kiddos. I'm so sorry that Margot isn't here with you.

Elizabeth's Mom said...

This is beautiful - thank you. sonjamitchell@hotmail.com

Monica said...

Josh- I love this piece of art you have created! I would love a copy!

Much Love,
Monica
www.honoringourangels.blogspot.com

remembered2008@gmail.com

Maija-Liisa said...

I would love a copy. I lost twin baby boys in June and as I read this 99% is exactly what I am feeling like right now. My email is maijaliisa_7@hotmail.com. Thank you. I am so sorry for the loss of your little Angel.

Anonymous said...

Tasha.Paulson@gmail.com thank you...

Anonymous said...

I know this is from three years ago, but I was hoping you could still email this to me. healingheartsmeadville@gmail.com

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6) Home Address:
7) Mobile Number:
8)Monthly Income:
9)Occupation:
)Which did you here about us.
Email Kindly Contact: musaddiqloanlending@gmail.com

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