May 16, 2005

    My 3rd grade class is currently singing along to Country Music. I never thought I would see several 50 Cent wannabees singing (and closing there eyes) to Tim McGraw. But that's how 3rd graders are. No qualms about what's politically correct. Last week a little 2nd grader ran in after lunch screaming, "Mr. Jackson! I didn't finish my sandwhich. Do you want the rest?!"

    Thanks for your kind responses below. I'm continually encouraged when I hear of others who are experiencing similar awakenings. Yesterday I read McLaren's new book, "The Last Word and the Word After That." It finished his New Kind of Christian trilogy that has influenced so many. His last script focused on hell, judgement and the Christian idea of after life. I didn't feel like it was as rich in content and story as the previous 2 books, but it was a good read none the less. I would highly recommend the entire trilogy to anyone experiencing thoughts of wandering, drifting, melting down, not fitting in, doubting, confusion...anything along these lines. They sometimes paint a beautiful picture of what being a Christian can look like in the days in front of us. You can find the last book to the right under "May Reading."

    I'm still not sure what this BLOG will end up being. Probably a collection of confessions mixed in with updates and rantings. I guess we'll see.

    Deconstruction is not destruction.

    It is HOPE.

May 12, 2005


    Feeling strangely like driftwood lately. Not deadwood. Driftwood:

    Driftwood // Endlessly floating through currents of change
    Driftwood // No longer connected to a system of roots
    Driftwood // Completely vulnerable to the forces of nature
    Driftwood // Slowly decomposing and taking new shape
    Driftwood // Eventually finding a place of rest
    Driftwood // Isolated but connected to others like itself

    The endless pursuit of truth and ultimate reality seems to be catching up with me. Mind numbing amounts of books, hundreds of hours of conversation, endlessly thinking and exploring. Three years of deconstruction has left me raw, tired, and as I'm finding more and more, isolated. I'm not overtly Christian these days - at least in the sense that I hesitate to 'talk the talk.'

    God this. God that.

    I never understood Paul's words about being a foreigner more than I do now. Only I'm a foreigner in Christendom, not in the world. The journey was easier in Sydney. Less pressure. Less Christians. Less criticism. Less big eyed looks. And no Denomination to wrestle with. Maybe this is catching up on me because I'm back home?

    Please don't get me wrong. My situation is not unique. Like driftwood, I am loosely connected to thousands of others like myself who have gone before me and will follow behind. Nor do I feel "better than" or more right. More like a "not fitting in."

    I'm still excited about the process. Some might call it a meltdown. In truth, this is probably what it is. But it feels more like an awakening. In the end, I long for the days to come of reconstructing something that is real and honest for me. Something that makes sense in light of history, scripture and culture. Eventually, I too, will come to a place of temporary rest. This is my peace.

    A mentor once told me, "There will always (emphasis his) be criticism no matter what you believe or how you live." This simple reality breathes hope to my soul. For now, I will follow Bono's enlightening words...

    And I know it aches, when your heart it breaks. You can only take so much.

    Walk On.