March 30, 2011

Something



I wish I was tired. I would kill to be sleeping right now. There are lots of wishes, but this one takes center stage at 10:31pm tonight. I don't want to be awake anymore today.

As Kari lies near me in a mechanical bed, sleeping as deep as she has since around week sixteen of her pregnancy, I stare blankly at this screen, lost at where to navigate. I see those damn bookmarks dangling in front of me, all leading down familiar paths. MLB. Apartment Therapy. Bank. CraigsList. There are folders for gardening and for work and for blogs. There is my documents folder, one I opened and ventured to many times a day for business and personal bookkeeping. Now these little icons and words simply serve as a reminder of what I was doing before all of this happened, a life that seems so foreign and distant now.

I'm only left staring at a blank page that beckons me to slowly tap my fingers. Out of her white space and blinking cursor, she calls me to write about nothing and everything all at once, knowing this thing called grief has no formula or pattern. And tonight, a few measly written words seem like, at the very least, something.

20 comments:

Travis Dewys said...

Love you Josh. Praying daily.

Holly & Delsie said...

Josh,
My words seem so trite but my thoughts often go to you and your family...hoping in some small way you are sustained through this tragedy.
Holly Le Blanc

sara said...

Your family is strong and you are their rock. You are soldiers and strong ones. My family aches for yours, love from eagle rock..

Mandy said...

i prayed for you while i ran this morning. heart pumping. tears streaming.

glo said...

You are all in constant prayer. Keep the faith. OH and its OK to be angry at some things while you feel grateful for others. God knows your heart. He can handle all those feelings in there. Maybe go for a walk and just let it all out the good and the not so good. Hugs and continued prayer for all of you all day everyday.

Charlene E. said...

I am a member of Heritage Church. I don't know you, you don't know me. But my heart breaks for you and Kari. I think about you and your family daily and pray for Kari daily. I know there is nothing I can say to lessen your burden. The one thing I do know is God is listening to my prayers and everyone else that is praying for Kari.

heather said...

In my opinion THE hardest part about losing a baby....This thing that you have been thinking about, and talking about, and planning for, and imagining.....and now what.......Where do your plans go. Everything that you have thought about is so different now. Love you guys, praying for Kari, and you, and Stella and all the helpers you have out there. -Heather

Adriana said...

Kari and I are both members of a moms group here in LA. There are so many mamas and their families praying for you right now and sending support. We are all so heartbroken over your loss. Margot was beautiful.

Adriana

Amanda said...

Love you both so much.

Gram said...

Our daughter has lost a healthy baby girl because of an abruption. We almost lost our daughter, too. Such a mix of emotions gratitude covered with grief. My heart hurts for you. My daughter kept a very blunt honest blog afterward. What she wrote will be familiar to you. There are no words except I am so sorry. Oursydneygrace.blogspot.com.

Anonymous said...

There are no words to express your sadness and loss. Your beautiful wife is not only struggling to keep up the fighting but also to deal with the grief. May God bring comfort and peace to you and Kari right now. Praying for your family.

Marcia said...

Josh and Kari,

We don't know each other, but I know both your sets of parents. I'm a writer, but in the face of an event this horrific, I have no words but "I'm sorry." I'm sorry that you've been dealt such a loss, that life can go so awry, that suffering and sorrow seem to have no logic, that those of us around you can't shoulder more of your burden. Most of all, I'm sorry that the world never had the chance to know beautiful Margot.

Praying....

Marcia Woodard

Anonymous said...

Just wanted you to know that I have never met either of you,but stumbled onto your blog. Please know that even as a stranger,I will pray for your comfort and that He smothers your family with anything you need.

Kari said...

My name is Kari and my husband's name is Josh. We have never met. We used to attend Heritage Church in Rock Island and still have many close ties there, so when I heard about your family, my heart goes out to you. We have been praying for your family ever since we heard the news. We are also 38 weeks pregnant with a girl and have a 3-year-old. My husband also has 3 older children as well. Your situation has touched me deeply. I find that I have been waking up in the middle of the night to pray for all of you. I pray for you at dinner and when I am in the shower and anytime you cross my mind. There are so many people that are constantly praying for you all. I hope that you feel loved and supported through this time of great tragedy. And I hope that you feel God's presence, strength and comfort when you feel that you may not be able to continue down this path. I don't know what else to say other than I am so sorry this has happened to your beautiful family. Please know that you are loved and we will continue to pray for your family.

Teresa said...

i attend heritage church but don't know you personally. my heart is broken for you. i will continue to pray for peace and grace as God holds your little family.

Mother Prisms said...

Josh and Kari & Stella,
We are trusting you will feel the prayers going heavenward for you all. Love you!
Lynn & Cheryl Bruce

Cathy said...

Our thoughts and prayers are with you. My heart is breaking for the loss of your sweet baby girl. I try to think of her softly in the arms of Jesus. God Bless all of you and I hope Kari is doing better today. We are members of Heritage and we loved Pastor and Patty sharing Stella with us through photos and when Stella came to church. God give you strength, rest and comfort. May all the family members make it home safe and sound when the time comes for them to leave. You all will remain in my thoughts, prayers and heart.

Cathy said...

We are members of Heritage and have enjoyed Pastor and Patty sharing Stella with us. My heart is breaking for your loss of your precious baby girl. I picture her softly in the arms of Jesus. You all will remain in my thoughts, prayers, and heart. It is my hope that all family members get home safe and sound whenever they leave. God Bless all of you.

Judy said...

Josh and kari, you may not know/remember me, I knew you when you were student at IWU... I'm just one of the many faculty and staff who loved and believed in you from afar... and I still am. There are some things in life that seem too hard... too unthinkable... loss that is just too great... I won't even begin to imagine that I know how deeply you both are hurting. But I pray for you daily, that somehow you will have strength and whatever you need to get through each minute. I pray that somehow the grief will lift enough each hour that you can keep breathing. I pray that the love of those who love you will give you comfort. I've used too many words for something that is beyond words. Please know that I am one of the many who is loving you from afar.... Ridiculous as it seems, if there is any way I can support you or be of help, I would gladly do that. Judy Huffman

Anonymous said...

Dear Josh and Kari,
I have been keeping you both in my prayers....knowing and remembering the "grief fog" I went through when my Geri Ann was stillborn. Missing your little girl, Margot, will always remain...when asked how many children I have, I always say four, one in Heaven and three here with me. It has been 28 years ago when my daughter entered Heaven, I still love and miss her so. God has helped me "through" my grief, but the hole in my heart has been slow in mending all these years. Knowing you are not alone in these feelings and thoughts may help, but also a poem that I read now and again:
Don’t let them say I wasn’t born,
That something stopped my heart,
I felt each tender squeeze you gave,
I’ve loved you from the start.
Although my body you can’t hold,
It doesn’t mean I’m gone.
This world was worthy, not, of me,
God chose that I move on.
I know the pain drowns your soul,
What you are forced to face
You have my word, I’ll fill your arms,
Someday we will embrace.
You’ll hear it was “meant to be”,
God doesn’t make mistakes.
But that won’t soften your first blow,
Or make your heart not ache.
I’m watching over all you do,
Believe me when I say to you
That I’m always there.
There will come a time, I promise you,
When you will hold my hand
Stroke my face, and kiss my lips,
And then you will understand.
Although I’ve never breathed your air,
Or gazed into your eyes
That doesn’t mean I never “was”…
An Angel Never Dies.


Sending you love and light...Psalms 23

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