April 19, 2012

His Hair Swooshes Back and Forth

I kneel down along with everyone else, hunched over, head bowed, knees touching the soft pads, elbows resting on the wooden pew in front of me. 

I shift my body left until it lands next to Kari.

I close my eyes. 

I drown out the noise by pressing my fingers deep into my ears, as deep as they can go, until the noise turns into that empty sound, like being under water.

It sounds exactly like what I imagine my son is hearing in utero.

I find my way to him through this sound, this emptiness, as if we're under the water in the same pool, but merely at opposite ends. 

I push bubbles of air up toward the surface as I swim to where he exists, my eyes wide open, my legs propelling me forward, my heart racing, until suddenly I'm upon him, my son, my SON, my dear boy, a once remote possibility of a life, a gift from the absence of his sister.  

His hair swooshes back and forth like kelp being pushed and pulled by ocean currents.

His legs stretch and retreat, his elbows push and prod, his fingers conceal his face.

His heart pumps rapidly, getting stronger with each beat, like he is preparing for his own grand entrance, where the roars of his mother and father will fill a stadium.

I stare at him for as long as I can hold my breath, for as long as the fingers in my ear can drown out the noise above the surface, channeling every ounce of love and hope I can muster into his being, into my own being, willing us forward, until we're out of the water, until we're home together.


Jesse said...

I find myself looking for new blog posts from you. For the beauty and heft they add to my day when I read them. And also in anticipation of the patiently-awaited (salving) joy that is on its way!

Stefanie said...

Just as the PP said, I too love reading your posts and anticipate every new post you write. Your words send emotions through me that I struggle to place in the right compartments. You always manage to know where they go.
Your depiction of how it might be for others around you are always spot on. Thank you for your words always elequently put and for always speaking your mind.
Eagerly awaiting for your son's arrival...safe and crying loudly.

Bree said...

God Josh, this gorgeous.

Megan said...

Rad imagery, Josh.

Fireflyforever said...

Beautiful words - that last paragraph just about broke me, it was so powerful.

Anonymous said...

I feel like I have been holding my breath in anticipation of his safe arrival. Can't imagine how you two are doing it. Thoughts are with you often <3 Heather (Schmittdiel)

SG said...

Something about this gave me a moment of connection with our own little swimming ray of hope. Thank you.

Hope's Mama said...

Stunning imagery, Josh. I can close my eyes and picture you all holding him in your arms, safe where he belongs.
Soon friend, soon.

(Love to Kari as well xo)

Groves said...

"...like he is preparing for his own grand entrance, where the roars of his mother and father will fill a stadium."

And A Swelling, Rolling, Exploding, Deafening
Standing Ovation
of Glad-Bursting Hearts
Round The World

roaring outward from that stadium
pouring joy waves
through every

Cathy in Missouri

Caroline said...

God you have one hell of a gift.

Wishing the very best for you family in joyful anticipation of this new beautiful soul.

Mary Beth said...

Holding my breath with you guys over here. So soon. Lots of love to you all, and thank you for this.

Tash said...

Your writing is gorgeous Josh. Every day, one step closer.. You guys are in my thoughts.

Catherine W said...

Thinking of you and Kari and your little son, growing stronger with each and every beat. I'm so keenly aware of the time passing as your little boy is due to arrive so close to my own son's first birthday and I have echoes of this time last year in my own family. I found it to be such a strange, difficult time. Hope and fear and holding my breath until my lungs hurt. Trying to imagine myself inside in the swooshing and muffled nosies. I don't have words for it at all.

Wishing and hoping for a smooth, grand entrance. I am just one of the many, all willing you on, forward and homeward, to dry land.

Crystal said...

Beautiful post.

Anonymous said...

exactly as you should be doing- you already have a wonderful relationship with your boy. its going to so wonderful when you see him earthside.

hope you are are well...

Paula said...

I love the image you have now put in my head. I can just picture you there beneath the surface of the water with him, making eye contact as you force yourself to stay under a little longer.

What a grand entrance it will be. Only a few more weeks.

TracyOC said...

Just chiming in with everyone else here to tell you that I'm holding my breath waiting for your little guy to arrive safely. Peace and strength to you and your family.

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