December 25, 2011

Muddle Through Somehow

We pulled up around seven, parked in a nice little spot, and ordered some food. Burgers, fries and a soda. The three of us sat in the car and waited for our number, the interior lights giving the older of us enough light to see the younger of us swinging wildly between the seats. Chocolate! she screamed in anticipation. A morsel of mint cocoa for a finished burger.

It's Christmas Eve and the weather is mild.

Nine months today.

We turn on the radio, looking for Christmas music, the first Christmas music of the season, some six weeks later than usual. An older gentleman begins singing while we dunk fries into ketchup and she tosses the bun for quicker patty access.

Have yourself a merry little Christmas
Let your heart be light
Next year all our troubles will be out of sight
Have yourself a merry little Christmas
Make the yuletide gay
Next year all our troubles will be miles away
Once again as in olden days
Happy golden days of yore
Faithful friends who were dear to us
Will be near to us once more
Someday soon we all will be together
If the fates allow
Until then, we'll have to muddle through somehow
So have yourself a merry little Christmas now


Renel said...

Wow!!! I didn't know the words. They are certainly fitting. Although I know I'm not the first person to experience loss, to continue on... Muddle through until??? Sometimes it feels very solitary. I am so grateful for my Internet baby loss friends for reminding me I am not alone.
New years eve has always been my favorite holiday. I liked it because there was no expectation except to look ahead at how wonderful things can be. How much better we can be. How we grow, love, explore in new and wonderful ways. New years really always felt light, sparkly and full of hope. This year more than any ever before I am hoping for a spark of looking forward to more happiness, a better year. But it also makes me sad because really 20011 was wonderful in my expectation of Camille. My family was growing the pregnancy was actually quite lovely. But it ended so tragically that all I can focus on is the loss and themissing and the without.

So yes. I am trying for Kai's sake to have a merry little Christmas now. Muddling through is exactly how it feels. I hope you are finding some joy in watching your precious first born enjoy the holiday while wishing you had your second born too. Sending love your way.

still life angie said...

Nine months is a hard milestone. My love and thoughts are with you and Kari and Stella as you find solace in each other and grounding in the little joys of each other. xo

Hope's Mama said...

Christmas colliding with nine months - ouch. All my love to your beautiful family.

Mary Beth said...

Muddling through is the best way to describe it. There really is no other way to get through, because so much makes no sense. Still having to breathe with your lungs ripped out, still having to exist while your heart is shattered.

I hope you guys had a peaceful Christmas. Sending lots of love.

Catherine W said...

I've always felt I was somehow muddling along throughout my whole life, waiting for somebody to notice that I was actually completely incompetent! And since Georgina died, I feel that I am muddling along even more keenly.

As Mary Beth says, what else can we do? In this strange world where not a great deal seems to make sense.

I hope that Christmas passed peacefully for you, Kari and Stella. Remembering your dear Margot xo

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