Sometimes when I allow myself, when I can't take it anymore, when I can't feel M, when I achingly long to hold my little girl, I look at pictures of Stella at the same age as M would be now.
Today, December 26, Margot would be nine months and two days old.
Stella was nine months and two days on November 23, 2009.
I search through iPhoto, scrolling through the months until November 2009 and the days until the 23rd and the pictures until my Stella appears.
There we are, the three of us, happy as can be, walking the streets of our downtown home, ice skating in Pershing Square, frolicking around our loft. And there is Stella. Smiling, making mischief, living freely and willing to wear pants.
Blue eyes, thin upper lip, full cheeks and the Jackson'est smile you'll ever find.
Margot, Margot, Margot, my love, my dearest, with your perfect blues, are you in there somewhere?