December 26, 2011

One In the Other

Sometimes when I allow myself, when I can't take it anymore, when I can't feel M, when I achingly long to hold my little girl, I look at pictures of Stella at the same age as M would be now.

Today, December 26, Margot would be nine months and two days old. 
Stella was nine months and two days on November 23, 2009. 

I search through iPhoto, scrolling through the months until November 2009 and the days until the 23rd and the pictures until my Stella appears.

There we are, the three of us, happy as can be, walking the streets of our downtown home, ice skating in Pershing Square, frolicking around our loft. And there is Stella. Smiling, making mischief, living freely and willing to wear pants.

Blue eyes, thin upper lip, full cheeks and the Jackson'est smile you'll ever find.

Margot, Margot, Margot, my love, my dearest, with your perfect blues, are you in there somewhere?


Jeanette said...

Yep, I do that too. My Florence looked most like her big sister Eden, so I trawl photos of her at that age, and other times they take me unawares, like yesterday at Grandmas, a photo of Eden in a frame, about 2 and 1/2 years old, just the age Florence would be now.
Then there are the desperate times when I look for photos of her shadow babies, that just bloody kills me, unyet I still do it.
Sending love to you and yours. x

Fireflyforever said...

All of my children have been peas in a pod at birth so I feel as though I can trace her features through toddlerdom and childhood to the cusp of grown up. It's comforting and saddening at the same time.

Anonymous said...

Am praying for you!

And I know this is nothing compared to your pain, but I lost my first pregnancy late summer, and it is hard to see pregnant people in the same stage I would be right now.

So I can only imagine how much more your grief is.

Mary Beth said...

God, Josh, I wonder this all the time. Where is she? I look for her in my boys and I just can't find her. Fuck.

Sending you guys lots of love and hugs for 2012 and beyond.



I am so sorry to read of your loss. I sure what you do may be a normal occurance for any parent in your position. When you loose a child your mind will always wonder what they would look like, what they'd be doing and who they would grow into. I loss my little girl in July after going into labor pre-term at just before 24 weeks. She put up a fight but died a few hours later. I pray that our family both find peace in our tragedies as time goes on.

I'm sending lots of positivity your way.

May 2012 be good to you and your family.

loribeth said...

What a cutie. It's sad but yet comforting that you have Stella as a measuring stick for what Margot might look like & be doing at the same age.

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