April 18, 2011

Morning. Afternoon. Evening. Repeat.

I’m struggling to put these last several days into words. Our emotions seem a steady portion of sadness with a dose of peace sprinkled in from time to time, which only seems to come as the tears stop rolling and we find ourselves remembering how much death and loss and grief are part of the full human experience.

We are finding ways to cope.

We have learned to measure our days and weeks in small blocks of time. Morning, afternoon and evening. The mornings seem to be the hardest, like a cruel Groundhog Day repeat moment, except the clock radio that wakes up Bill Murray is replaced by images of Margot and the harsh reality of her death. Getting through each block is our main focus, knowing that in the end, the simplicity of the clock ticking on and the calendar pages flipping over will bring healing.

Distraction has become our closest ally, giving us much needed breaks from the grief that often seems insurmountable. An afternoon playing with the kids outside, chasing them around the yard, looking for worms in the garden. An hour watching Survivor. A meal with friends. Late night fires on the back patio.

Music has helped. From The National to Eddie Vedder to Alison Krauss, we have found solace in the beautiful, soul soothing lyrics and sounds. The three of us slow dance to “Fix You” by Coldplay and for those brief few minutes, the world seems just fine.

There is sleep, precious sleep.

There is all there is to be grateful for, which we calmly repeat every single day, multiple times out. For life. Stella. Family. Friends. For all that could have been worse but wasn’t. The hundreds of strangers who have shared in our grief, sent meals and even some who have told their own tragic stories of loss.

Our thoughts and rational allow us to be comforted. We know this loss is a common experience for so many individuals and families, that death is a part of life. We know this has been the case throughout history, is the case now and will be into the future. It feels like we’re just waiting for our emotional feelings to catch up to our rational thoughts.

Ashes to ashes, morning to morning.


Anonymous said...

I have no words.

Praying for the three of you in the QCA.

Christina Cox said...

It doesn't matter how many people have gone through this and nobody can measure what is "worse." It's your reality, your universe and I don't even know your family but I have kids and I weep for you, your wife, and your little girls. Peace carry you through the night.

Jamie said...

Thinking of you, Kari and little Stella all the time...remembering the loss of Margot and praying for peace. Love you brother.

Rachel Lohrman said...

Thank you for sharing - for allowing complete strangers into your experience. It is moving, heartbreaking and inspiring all at the same time. I am in prayer for you, and your family.

Mariposa said...

I marvel at your ability to express your grief in ways that actually give hope....seems like a paradox, but it does. Your passing thru this excruciatingly painful valley, and still being able to think and move and be - brings hope. Thanks for sharing it all!

buckles10 said...

I'm been following your sad journey since a friend asked us to pray for your family. Grieving via blogging is a healthy way to heal so do not stop. Another friend of a friend is blogging while going thru a similar situation. You might check out his blog as a support system @ www.sadandchara.blogspot.com

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