May 5, 2012

A Fish Named Fish or Hold Your Breath



We bought a fish. A red, male betta, with beautiful and elongated fins, purple streaks and orange checkers on his top side.

His name is: fish.

Stella, whose rowdy imagination normally conjures up elaborate stories involving princesses and poop, has never had a knack for naming things. When it comes time to imagine a name for her latest stuffed animal or doll from the local thrift store, she suddenly turns into a literal junkie. Her doll is doll, her baby is baby. Her stuffed animals have names like dog, bear, big monkey, baby dog, fish and reindeer. When a doll from her Grandma Gwen arrived from Europe, she aptly named it Grandma Gwen. Even when I offer up other possibilities, like flip or grizzle, she normally sighs unenthusiastically.

Our fish named fish lives in a little bowl with stones that Stella and I have slowly gathered from the Pacific Ocean. There is one bright white seashell in the bowl and it's cracked on one end, like a chipped tooth. The bowl sits on our dining table and the fish, the closest thing we will ever have to a pet, seems quite happy and content.

With forty-fours to go before meeting my son, I sat down to write about what this reality feels like, about the complicated nature of his arrival, about missing Margot, about how we added the breastfeeding rocker to our bedroom last night. And about how we are doing everything and anything to distract ourselves until it is time to meet our son.

Like writing about a fish.

16 comments:

katie illingworth said...

Oh I get this completely. This whole pregnancy after loss deal just leaves me mute. Strange how that happens. Exactly like holding your breath.

Caroline said...

I have been checking your blog much more frequently. As I anxiously await the arrival of baby 3. Your family deserves such happiness.

Molly said...

The last few days/hours are rough. And then there is the shock. At least that's how it went for me. Lots of hope and love to you. Looking forward to hearing some good news.

Mama Bear said...

I'm sending lots of love and positive energy to your family!

Nika M. said...

Fish sounds beautiful.


Sending you lots of hugs and prayers in these last several hours.

Jamie said...

:) Getting excited!!!

Brooke said...

Fish sounds like a delightful distraction. Can't wait to hear the good news about your son.

Anonymous said...

since i have been anticipating this day for the past few months, and have been feeling alternating emotions of giant-smiled joy and then weeping for margot, i can only imagine how and what you all are feeling. but you know... its probably going to be fine. you are probably going to be holding your son at that table, looking at that fish, in a few days, and its going to be fine. more than fine. its going to be fantastic. thinking of you all, and all my best to you tomorrow!

Groves said...

As another mom who lost a child to meningitis many years ago told me, "Your 'everything will be all right button' just doesn't work anymore."

Truer words were never spoken.

{Comment by Mandy; on Cullen's Blessings, 4-11-12}

*****

Which doesn't stop me from wanting - beyond wanting, beyond wanting - everything to be all right as this baby comes.

Soon. Soon. Very soon.

On tenterhooks,

Cathy in Missouri

Anonymous said...

As someone who has been following your blog for a long time, I too feel like I am holding my breath. Here is to a "routine" C-section tomorrow and a huge exhale for your family and everyone who wishes nothing but sunshine for the five of you!

Catherine W said...

Thinking of you, Kari, Stella, fish and your precious Margot June as you await the arrival of your third child, your little boy. Hoping and wishing that everything goes perfectly.

Hope's Mama said...

Do whatever you need to do. I loved the fish story. Angus tends to name his things the same way. The monkey with a rattle in it, is known as rattle monkey. And now I'm just rambling with silly stories as well.
Thinking of you guys SO much. And now you're that much closer again. Must only be 20 or so hours now. Stay strong.
xo

Rachel said...

Can't wait to come back here and read about the birth of your son! Thinking of you all!

Anonymous said...

gah! i am so excited for you... i really hope things go so well tomorrow!
please, please post asap. enjoy tomorrow! yay for weiners! its going to be great...

A meditation into the art of acting said...

My boys never named their toys or pets names. They seemed incapable of it, and just called them the way Stella does :) You are on my mind all the time these days and will be especially tomorrow. May peace and serenity envelop you tonight as you sleep. I can't wait to hear the good news, and just pray for healing to come to you through this little boy.

Gwen Jackson said...

Today is the day in Budapest. Eagerly awaiting the call! All our thoughts and prayers surround you today. All of you will be on our minds constantly. Lots of love!!

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